October 27, 2013

Last week I gave a party and, to me, the difference was rather amazing. I wasn't critical of myself. And because of that, it occurred to me, for the first time in my history of giving parties, to create sacred space for my guests. I still didn't have time to just sit and pray in the area where the guests would be, but I did focus on praying while I was prepping and preparing the food and tending to last minute details. Even when I burned something, I just quickly threw it out and started over. I felt the temptation, but I firmly refused to beat myself up. I burned a bit of incense to get rid of the smell and calmly moved on. I even had to run to the store for something I'd forgotten and the cashier said she couldn't believe how calm I was. Of course, at that moment I thought I had 3 hours instead of one. But, even when I realized the time; I just laughed and flowed with it.

It was so freeing not to be pre-judging myself, critically wondering if they'd like what I was fixing and worried about the house being clean enough. Even when I graciously received their praise, I was somewhat detached. I already knew things tasted well and felt good about what I'd done. My feeling wasn't dependent on what others thought. Now, of course, if no one had eaten and they'd all agreed it was horrible, or even if just one had been outspoken about it being terrible; my feelings would have been greatly shaken. So, I still have work to do.

It was significant to me that when I allowed space in myself, by not self-criticizing, that I thought to create sacred space for others to enjoy. I do so hope that each of you is seeing the positive changes in your own lives.


October 16, 2013

Inner child work. Anyone who has already done some of their inner child work will understand more of what I've been trying to say the last few days. But for those of you who have not taken working with your inner child or children seriously; let me try to describe some of the differences that can be felt when these portions of our beings are released, when the encapsulation begins to dissolve.

The biggest is that I had a true and restful full night of sleep. I awoke this morning actually feeling refreshed. This is the first time in decades. The reassurances that there is no current danger and of being in Archangel Michael's care were actually received.

Another biggie was that in centering myself in my heart this portion, that has tried so hard before without success, was simply willing one more time to dip her toe in the water, so to speak. I felt the difference, a lovely difference. There are actually two parts to this, one that has resided more in the emotions; and one that has resided more in the mental. So I felt energy rise from my emotions into my heart. I felt energy come from my mental into my heart. And, of course, I consciously went into my heart. And from there to the higher self.

Another difference for me is in actually getting things done. There is not so much thinking about it and a lot more just getting it done. Simple things that have always been chores before and now are just nothing, just done.

There are waves of emotions. I just notice, feel them and let them pass. That is what finally allows the encapsulation to dissolve, the willingness to feel and think whatever the emotions and thoughts are, open lines of communication. Sometimes it just takes a while for all members of the conversation to feel safe in contributing.

There is also a little more sensitivity to other people, so that is something for me to remain aware of.

On October 13, I defined aspects and for people who have responded to traumatic events by walling of portions of themselves with memories and emotions, that is applicable. I, also, attempted to explain the difference between personality splits, aspects and soul fragments. Well, until a friend last night mentioned her inner child work; I hadn't realized how to express the difference. And I still don't know that I can adequately put it into words. Between actual "aspects" and "inner child" there is a difference in the content of what gets walled off and there is a difference in the type of encapsulation and there is a difference in the separation (which, of course, is an illusion). Even people who did not have severe traumatic experiences have inner child work to do, old decision points that are not working anymore and that can be updated. So, I guess about all I've managed to say is that I notice a difference.

Anyway, may we all enjoy the freedoms and peace that our inner child work eventually brings. May we maintain whatever peace we can through the process and return to peace each and every time we're able. Let's actually take a moment. If you haven't already done whatever practice you have for calling forth protection, then do that before continuing. We center all portions of our being that we are aware of right now in our hearts and become more aware of the connection with a higher self. As we're breathing in Divine Love and sharing it on the exhale, we contact all the peace we can. I reinforce drawing the energy from my mental and from my emotional. You do whatever is appropriate for you in drawing all portions of your being together in your heart. We, so to speak, reverently touch the hem of the guru, the Elohim of Peace, or whomever you choose. We allow our self, the whole of us, whatever that will be, to be engulfed in an embrace that takes us straight into the heart of the guru, the master, the teacher. We absorb all that we're able and let it take whatever time it takes. We become aware of our bodies again and move and stretch, open our eyes really wide several times, rub our feet on the ground or rug or floor and ground ourselves. We accept that we are full to overflowing. We note our protection. We send out and share what we have freely received. Perhaps we envision ourselves in some location like the US senate floor or Syria. And we go about our days. Perhaps we do a ho, ho, ho; ha, ha, ha; hee, hee, hee. Enjoy.

I'll put this under a button called 2013 meditation.

October 15, 2013

What I mean by the layers of the onion. I'll use the example of getting triggered by people not listening to me. It's something I've used as an example in several postings over the years. It first started some 20 years ago when I would get irritated at having to repeat myself several times to my mother when she would forget that she had turned her hearing aids off or didn't even have them in. I wrote it off to my "mother's irritating ways." And I noticed that I got quite irritated at work when people didn't bother to even read the instructions I had taken time and effort to carefully type in an e-mail. I wrote that off as just how irritating people can be, like this behavior would irritate everybody. But noticing these two items was the first layer of the proverbial onion - awareness.

Then, I started recognizing that it was my reaction that was the actual source of the irritation I felt. It wasn't my mother and it wasn't the behavior of people in general. So, another layer of the onion - accepting my responsibilities in my own reactions.

Several years passed while I noticed a pattern and the link of my perception that people weren't listening to me. Third layer of the onion - seeing patterns and links.

Several more years passed as I started noticing that my level of irritation, and often anger, seemed out of proportion to the events. Fourth layer of the onion - recognizing some clue that something in our subconscious is actually being triggered. Noticing that our reactions seem excessive is one such clue.

I looked at my reactions and the feelings behind them and I decided to modify my reactions. So fifth and several other layers of the onion - decision points and behavioral modifications.

Several years passed without getting "triggered" anymore. Well, at least the patterns were sufficiently different to avoid detection.

Things cycle around so we can get a deeper look at them. A couple years ago, my brother moved in with me. I perceived his various communication habits as a distinct disinterest in anything I said. I eventually worked up to saying so. He made it quite clear that my perception was not accurate. So I did what I do and looked at my thoughts and feelings from the perspective of an unattached observer. There were some more decision points. Various insights were more layers of the onion. Again, I had moved beyond getting triggered.

But, now I started seeing a bigger picture. Insights and connections started unfolding. Many events and many hours of processing led to my piecing together a collection of 3 specific trigger families and a number of "symptoms." This led to various questions and various prayers. And perhaps the posting of October 13 is part of the inner layers of the onion. It describes a conundrum why God had not saved me from horrific experiences. I had carried this in an encapsulated manner since childhood, while at the same time growing into adulthood and learning teachings that allowed me to resolve various attributes of the conundrum to the point that I didn't even recognize that I carried it.

So, I now hope to get to the core of the onion. I'm in a place in my life where I'm getting ready to "step out into the world," possibly some change next year. I don't know what that phrase means exactly. I only notice, in the same detached manner, an inordinate amount of fear. I see various beliefs that I know are not true. In one sense it looks like ego. But I think writing it off to ego would simply be a distraction and as superficial as trying to write off my OWN reactions to "my mother's irritating ways." Writing the feelings off to simple Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD), will also just keep me from looking at what I need to see.

When I write out the beliefs and feelings and thoughts, I see the hand of the ego and the PTSD. But I sense that if I can see beyond these, I'll free myself from something in my subconscious that it would be extremely wise to free myself of, now. I know I've already taken steps in whatever "stepping out into the world" means. And I know that as I replace older experiences with new experiences; I'll dislodge whatever is behind the fear.

May your proverbial onions be translucent and have few layers. Please return this thought to me.

October 14, 2013

What are the steps that you can apply to yourself? Let's take my story out of yesterday's posting and look at the steps.

1. Notice where you do make healthy decisions based on your current perceptions of what is healthy for you right now.

2. Look at the times when you feel you don't make the healthy decisions you would desire to make. Perhaps make a list of "symptoms."

3. Look at what keeps you from making what you would consider healthy decisions. Understand that it is OK if this is a brick wall, but keep returning to try to fill it in.

4. Pray to be helped and guided to see what you need to see.

5. Perhaps define some terms in describing how you experience yourself.

6. Notice what is triggering you these days. Remember that whoever triggers a reaction in you is only a guide pointing the way. What reaction is getting triggered? What are your thoughts while you are being triggered or while you are reacting? What are your feelings?

7. Ask yourself a question in a way that you've never asked it before. Personally I asked Lord Lanto, chohan of the second ray of illumination, for help in this.

8. Meditate on it and just write whatever comes to mind, without judging it or censoring it.

9. Rest and have fun.

10. Then, go back and read what you wrote. If, it doesn't seem to make sense, then look at what does make sense.

11. Run with what insights you see.

12. What can you see to be grateful for? Express your gratitude.

Understand that it may take a while, even years. Make what short term progress you can make. And stick with it. Keep removing the layers from the onion. Honor the aid you receive. Honor your progress. Honor yourself.

October 13, 2013

I'd like to honor a part of my being. This is along the topic of ending the warring in our members.

First, some definition of terms. It is especially difficult for people, who have responded to traumatic events in their lives by forming aspects, to differentiate between what is part of their being and what isn't. One way to survive traumatic events is to wall off a portion of the memory and emotions until the person has the tools and understanding to heal. However, a portion of ourselves gets walled off, as well. A split in personality is something different and might have very high and very thick walls, or even be completely enclosed. An aspect is more like something within an eggshell just waiting to be discovered and acknowledged and reintegrated. Regardless, the person needs to have obtained the tools and understanding to be ready to face the memories and emotions associated with the trauma they walled off. At one point I wondered if aspects were similar to soul fragments. And they may be similar, but I don't think the two terms refer to exactly the same concept. So 25+ years ago I embarked on a quest to reintegrate any of my aspects or soul fragments that I could find. At least five, if not ten years ago, I thought I had completed that work and was wary of the ego trying to make a life-long pursuit of it. I felt I was pretty good about discerning what was ego and what was an aspect. I found that the ego requires a firm hand and the goal is not integration. Working with an aspect is a loving motherly approach where the goal is very definitely re-integration.

I had these specific behaviors that simply would not go away. Inability to sleep some nights and continued body pains being two of them. And almost constant tension in my muscles, irregardless of a sincerely relaxed and peaceful approach to life. Then, this person started triggering just all sorts of reactions that I had to look at and figure out the source of my feelings. It was quite bizarre to experience non-attachment in one sense and yet watch these other feelings as though watching a movie. I tried to pawn it off on ego, but that didn't set right. Whatever it was might be more susceptible to ego, but it wasn't ego. I seemed to know that. It certainly didn't seem like an actual fragment of my soul. And it didn't feel like an aspect. I wondered if I were being attacked psychically by something. I kept saying in my prayers that I was willing to see anything I needed to; but, aside from some respites, the "symptoms" continued.

Well, I finally asked the following question. What is the most likely thing that a very spiritually devout and aware person would be unwilling to look at? I had already looked at anger at God and various similar topics. Another odd clue. At the exact same time that I am very definitely engaged in meditating, in centering in my heart, in connecting to higher levels of my spiritual being; I notice a very firm and stubborn belief that I simply am incapable of doing precisely what I know I'm engaged in doing. It'd be funny, if it weren't so frustrating and flat out bizarre. Well, what does make sense?

A child is being tortured beyond her endurance mentally, spiritually, emotionally, as well as horrendously physically. She believes in God. She KNOWS God is all-powerful. None of the responsible adults are able to see what's going on. They don't listen and they don't protect her. The child sees numerous miracles that enable her to survive. Yet, she asks God to save her, to stop the horrors, and he does not. She still has these horrendously traumatic experiences. The child doesn't consciously know anything about divine respect for the free will, even of abusers to abuse. She feels God's love. She see the miracles. Yet, over the years, he does not save her from having these experiences, when he obviously has the power to do so and perhaps is the only one who does have that power. The child decides that for whatever reason God simply cannot hear her while at the same time he helps and loves her. Just like the adults, who she knows would stop it, if they knew. Yet, they somehow manage not to know. They obviously love her and are supportive in every other way. A conundrum.

Well, wouldn't that be an impossible conundrum for a child to be in? So, apparently some portion of my being contained this conundrum. This posting is in honor of that portion of my being. It has done such a fantastic job of containment that I've been unaware of it, aside from the symptoms. I even remember saying in one of my prayers that I don't need to be protected in this fashion, anymore. My heart overflows with love. I am delighted to acknowledge this portion of my being and the exceptional job it has done. I am fully willing and ready to acknowledge, feel and experience the conundrum. I know the ability of my own flame to consume it. This portion of my being I set completely free to choose a new job.

October 11, 2013

What does it mean to remove the warring in our members?

I guess, if I look at it, I first learned that my thinking does not always match my feelings. As I worked to remove what I saw as wounds and distortions; my mental and emotional came more in alignment with each other. In that period I also learned that our souls could become fragmented and I worked hard to round up my fragments and integrate them back into a cohesive whole. And I found out that each fragment had been walled off with memories and emotions associated with a traumatic event. So I worked on healing that and found out that the physical body also exhibits memories of traumatic events. Now I'm learning how energies, such as unresolved or unexpressed emotions, get stored or blocked in our actual physical tissues. We need to get his moving and keep it moving, which physical exercises help; but there are whole sciences around moving energy in the body. Just ask an acupuncturist. So I sort of got the physical, emotional and mental playing all on the same team. And there appears to still be a lot of work to do in that arena.

Well, goodness. Then I'm learning that we not only have a spiritual identity, but that we created what some call an ego to help us interact with the material. And now people are talking about a human self and outer self and I'm not sure if those are the same, or not. So how does a person sort all this out, get it all on the same page and get it all integrated? And then, most of my teachers agree that the ego, or whatever term they use, is a square peg that will never fit in the circle. Yet, obviously, it does have it's rightful purpose. Oiya! Even yet, I have something that I call "that which hijacks" and it typically distracts or tries very hard to keep me from going in whatever direction I've chosen. I have yet to figure out if it is the same as what people term the ego.

Well, to me this whole lifetime process is "removing the warring in our members." So, every time I come to the parts in the prayers I say that talk about having removed the warring from my members, I actually go into a tail spin. And when these prayers say that having done this contributes greatly to peace on earth. Again, Oiya! So it appears to me that, even though these prayers say it as if it's a done deal; I need to center in the eternal NOW attitude and let go of past and future. Perhaps I can even open myself to recognizing that perhaps it isn't a never ending process. Beloved Lanto, please help me and all those who are also grappling with this to understand more fully and to a deeper depth.

Perhaps there is a distinction between "removing the warring" and what I'll call monitoring the peace.

And there are several teachers that mention how spiritually focused people need to really be alert to getting too critical, especially of themselves. You know, that attitude that allows someone like Abraham Lincoln to call himself a failure.

Oh, and just for fun, let's add some more dimensions, pun intended. I've been studying this book called The Overself Awakening by Dr's. J. J. and Desiree Hurtak. It's essentially a handbook for awakening to the multi-dimensions of our being. And it hints at how our uniqueness interlaces with the whole of ALL creation and beyond. And perhaps I need to look at the following within my own thinking. I realize that I never think of anything beyond the material earth as working in anything less than peaceful cooperation. So here I see that I still have remnants of the concept that there is an idyllic bubble somewhere and I'm not in it (or just because we're currently embodied on earth, we're not in it.) Well let's let go of yet another layer of that misconception right now.

I love calling on Divine Love. It's something that's new to me in that sense. Divine Love, help me, and all others who also have this desire, to see all the peaceful cooperation we have within our unique whole, as well as our cooperative interlacing in the Oneness of ALL.

October 10, 2013

I've received a couple e-mails from people that are finding some positive trends in world events, such as peace talks resuming. It is marvelous that all the various styles of prayers from so many people of diverse beliefs can have such positive effects. Personally I've been trying to improve my belief that the presence of light ALWAYS has an effect.

Another way we make a difference is by transcending various lies, misconceptions and illusions within ourselves. I accepted before that this somehow affects the mass consciousness, but I admit that I still had remnants of seeing each individual contribution as a drop in the ocean. But in a class I just started I came away with what for me is a new understanding. Our prayers and our growth processes are pebbles in a pool and the ripples from these pebbles eventually reach a critical mass. Apparently, in today’s world, that means that each time any one of us goes through a growth process, ripples keep multiplying until it affects 750,000 other souls. For me that gave ‘having an effect on the mass consciousness’ a whole new meaning.


This energy is sent out thru the protective filter of Father/Mother God's will
 and can only be returned in that will and by God's grace.